I have finally reached the point where I never want to see you again. You drove me to this point and while I should have done this years ago, you kept teasing me, promising that things would get better and then tearing my hopes and dreams away while punching me in the metaphorical junk. I no longer trust our old memories. Did we ever have fun together or did I just think you were so cool that I thought this could work?
We used to have such a great time hanging out and collecting rings, but then you decided that two dimensions was enough. You invited me on your first Adventure and, at the time, I put up with your shit and forced myself to have a good time. I even tried to befriend your awful group of friends and the fact that I did so still sends shivers down my spine.
Then you invited me on another Adventure and, stupid me, I went along. If pretending you were a Super Saiyan wasn’t enough, you invited me to board game night with all your shitty friends and I started doubting that we could last much longer. I thought things couldn’t get much worse, but oh how wrong I was. The next few years should have been the dark before the dawn, but everything was just black.
You tried to mix things up by giving your dark and edgy clone a gun. You thought grouping everyone into teams of three would be fun. Guess what? It wasn’t. You can run at supersonic speeds and you through that riding a hoverboard would be a grand old time for reasons I can’t comprehend. Even through this constant wave of shit, you still sprinkled in periodic smaller adventures that harkened back to your old days, but they couldn’t outweigh your increasingly bad decisions.
Perhaps the worst blows of all were that, after promising a return to what made me, all of us, love you so much, you made us realize why the switch to 3D was the best time to leave you behind, even though none of us did. Then, in the worst move of all, you attempted to capitalize on the Twilight movement and became a werehog, which doesn’t even make sense. What made less sense was your target audience and who you thought would actually enjoy your stupid, stretchy arms.
Oh how you tried with Generations and 4, but it was too little too late. I was moving on, you had done too much to fracture our relationship to such a degree that I figured it was time to make you a permanent part of my past. Cameos aside, you would be someone that I used to know, but would be forever gone. Perhaps it was just out of nostalgia’s sake or some small part of me that didn’t want to see you go, I decided to give your latest adventure a spin.
Fuck You, Sonic The Hedgehog.
At least when you became a moronic werehog, you were at least trying something. Ripping off Mario is not what made you the cool blue hedgehog with attitude and it won’t work now. Not only that, but if you’re going to just copy Mario Galaxy, at least do it right. Running into the screen on abstract shapes with gravity that sort of pulls you straight down and sort of pulls you to a nonexistent core does not make for easy or fun platforming.
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, though you should be, but you are no fun to play with when you slow down. Precision and frustration were never supposed to be your defining factors, speed and fun were. Not that your gravity barely works, there is no fun to be had and speed only sends you careening to your death. While that might give me some twisted satisfaction, it’s not enough to accompany you on this adventure.
You’ve finally gone too far. Enjoy exploring your Lost Worlds on your own. I’ve been miserable hanging out with you before, but nothing you’ve had me do has ever tried so hard to make me like it, yet fail so miserably in every single regard. I fear for the children who may be caught in your maniacal grip as you bait them with bright colors and interesting gameplay mechanics. If only they knew that you ran your course before they were even born.
David “Your former fan who actually played hours of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle multiplayer for some reason” Rhinehart
P.S. Seriously, Sonic The Lost Worlds is the worst playing Sonic game yet, I don’t know what Team Sonic is doing, but it’s nothing good. Stay far, far away from this particular ‘gem.’ It’s not even worth seeing why it’s so bad, it should just be taken out back and put down.