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A Heartfelt Hate Letter to Sonic the Hedgehog

sg1

Dear Sonic,

I have finally reached the point where I never want to see you again. You drove me to this point and while I should have done this years ago, you kept teasing me, promising that things would get better and then tearing my hopes and dreams away while punching me in the metaphorical junk. I no longer trust our old memories. Did we ever have fun together or did I just think you were so cool that I thought this could work?

We used to have such a great time hanging out and collecting rings, but then you decided that two dimensions was enough. You invited me on your first Adventure and, at the time, I put up with your shit and forced myself to have a good time. I even tried to befriend your awful group of friends and the fact that I did so still sends shivers down my spine.

Sonic

Then you invited me on another Adventure and, stupid me, I went along. If pretending you were a Super Saiyan wasn’t enough, you invited me to board game night with all your shitty friends and I started doubting that we could last much longer. I thought things couldn’t get much worse, but oh how wrong I was. The next few years should have been the dark before the dawn, but everything was just black.

You tried to mix things up by giving your dark and edgy clone a gun. You thought grouping everyone into teams of three would be fun. Guess what? It wasn’t. You can run at supersonic speeds and you through that riding a hoverboard would be a grand old time for reasons I can’t comprehend. Even through this constant wave of shit, you still sprinkled in periodic smaller adventures that harkened back to your old days, but they couldn’t outweigh your increasingly bad decisions.

Perhaps the worst blows of all were that, after promising a return to what made me, all of us, love you so much, you made us realize why the switch to 3D was the best time to leave you behind, even though none of us did. Then, in the worst move of all, you attempted to capitalize on the Twilight movement and became a werehog, which doesn’t even make sense. What made less sense was your target audience and who you thought would actually enjoy your stupid, stretchy arms.

Oh how you tried with Generations and 4, but it was too little too late. I was moving on, you had done too much to fracture our relationship to such a degree that I figured it was time to make you a permanent part of my past. Cameos aside, you would be someone that I used to know, but would be forever gone. Perhaps it was just out of nostalgia’s sake or some small part of me that didn’t want to see you go, I decided to give your latest adventure a spin.

Fuck You, Sonic The Hedgehog.

At least when you became a moronic werehog, you were at least trying something. Ripping off Mario is not what made you the cool blue hedgehog with attitude and it won’t work now. Not only that, but if you’re going to just copy Mario Galaxy, at least do it right. Running into the screen on abstract shapes with gravity that sort of pulls you straight down and sort of pulls you to a nonexistent core does not make for easy or fun platforming.

drunkI’m not sure if you’re aware of this, though you should be, but you are no fun to play with when you slow down. Precision and frustration were never supposed to be your defining factors, speed and fun were. Not that your gravity barely works, there is no fun to be had and speed only sends you careening to your death. While that might give me some twisted satisfaction, it’s not enough to accompany you on this adventure.

You’ve finally gone too far. Enjoy exploring your Lost Worlds on your own. I’ve been miserable hanging out with you before, but nothing you’ve had me do has ever tried so hard to make me like it, yet fail so miserably in every single regard. I fear for the children who may be caught in your maniacal grip as you bait them with bright colors and interesting gameplay mechanics. If only they knew that you ran your course before they were even born.

Sincerely,

David “Your former fan who actually played hours of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle multiplayer for some reason” Rhinehart

P.S. Seriously, Sonic The Lost Worlds is the worst playing Sonic game yet, I don’t know what Team Sonic is doing, but it’s nothing good. Stay far, far away from this particular ‘gem.’ It’s not even worth seeing why it’s so bad, it should just be taken out back and put down.

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Co-Founder of Geekenstein Media. Consumer of media, writer, accountant. David spends his time taking in as much media as possible when he's not wondering why more people aren't talking about pinball.
  • domitian

    Whatever team sonic is doing, they aren’t doing it right. Iv’e been waiting so long for them to revive sonic right. They just can’t do it. I agree with every single word in this article. Sonic 3 and Knuckles won’t ever be again, it is too bad there was much potential in a HD Sonic 3 and Knuckles or Sonic 2 or original Sonic.

  • 1800aaacool

    I agree with him, sorry sonic I use to think you were ool not anymore “sigh” oh well I guess I’ll go back to playing Loz

    • Austin McDowell

      fuck off. it’s not like anyone here misses you.

  • 1800aaacool

    but I do love loz

  • alex355

    What’s the point of blaming everything on Sonic the mascot? Blame Sega for making bad decisions.

  • Jarbloko

    so…you surrender?
    thats cute :D.

  • Adonkovic

    I can understand your disappointment but you can’t blame Sonic for copying Mario Galaxy because the concept used for Sonic Lost World was actually based of a cancelled Sega Saturn Game called Sonic X-treame that was suppose to be released in 1996. if you look into the game play of that game you’ll see that. I wouldn’t go as far as saying Mario copied Sonic but Sonic didn’t copy Mario.
    Plus Sonic Colors and Sonic generations were actually pretty fun.
    If you want to play some good side scrolling Sonic game look up Sonic After (or Before) the Sequel. it’s really well made.

    • Carlos

      The team developing the game has stated that they have nothing of knowledge of that Sonic X-treme game or the concept if it.

  • jack

    haters gonna hate

  • Jonathan Hall

    Sonic’s actually been doing a lot better lately.

  • Negative

    The thing is… Mario Galaxy was ripping off sonic the hedgehog. The Unreleased game sonic extreme looks like it had some of the same physics as super mario galaxy… Hint hint.

  • That chick who loves sonic

    Fuck whoever wrote this. Sonic’s awesome. Always has been always will be.

    • Super Mario

      eh. the only awesome sonic is classic sonic, great games AND he doesn’t talk.
      modern sonic isn’t TERRIBLY unbearable though, Generations and Colors were great

  • Katlockheart

    that was stupid

  • Dr. NEGA

    sega had miss opportunity with sonic 06, sonic rivals, sonic rush and sonic 4….these are very atleast good games back then…but miss-opportunity on decisions making of not going back of success are blinded by the creators of going back and improve the game of sonic 06…thats a lack of leadership from SEGA…..sonic 06 could have been a good game in fact it would been a great game in history if they corrected it by making sonic the hedgehog 2 nextgen like back from the 90’s sega learn thier mistakes from sonic 1 and made sonic 2 better than 1 and then 3 the masterpiece into sonic and knuckles ulitmate game platformer than Mario in that time..what would sega would done continue make another 2 more 06 style games it would been like that from the 90’s all over again……..same goes with rush and rivals why sega ignores Dr. NEGA EGGMAN and incomplete backstory on him…SEGA need to stop listen to people like Aaron Webber and his team that are destroying this franchise with terrible ideas from him…least it might be the end of his career when this game fail by christmas…sega will be furious of lost of sales and income because of Sega West failed record of making games…..if i was the president of Sega i would fire him and sell that sonic franchise to EA or give to a better team like from the software, ninja theory, or plantium

  • ClockworkBastard

    Hey, calm down everyone. Now days is the time when characters can live their own, right and fanbased lifes. Fangames and rom-hacks may be inperfect by now, but it gets Consantly better and better. Do you remmember how he said? ” ~’cause if you try — You can do anything ”
    ヽ|^ー^*|ノ