So, the other day it was fucking cold. Not as brutally cold as it was in other parts of the United States, but cold enough. I decided to pick up some hot chocolate for myself and my wife because I’m awesome.
I come home and look for a mug to put the hot chocolate in so it cools off, because again, I’m awesome, and I find that I have dozens of mugs. I have no idea why I have dozens of mugs. Neither of us drink coffee on a regular basis. In fact we use one mug a week, my wife’s favorite mug that she washes after using it. So why do I have dozens of mugs?
The answer, quite simply, is video games.
I’ve been playing video games since I was 5 years old. That means I’ve been gaming for 85% of my life. You math people can reverse engineer my age if you wish. There are definitely a few things you learn when you play video games and one of them certainly is I BETTER PICK EVERYTHING UP BECAUSE I’M GOING TO NEED IT AT SOME POINT.
Every time I played an adventure game growing up, if there was a book, ladder, glowing green rock, or inter-dimensional space portal that wasn’t painted into the background, it was 100% guaranteed that I would need to do something with it in the future. Sure, it might be 6 hours later, but if I didn’t pick this piece of bubble gum up now, I’ll have to do it at some point, so I might as well get it over with.
I’m pretty sure video games have turned many of us into mini hoarders.
Sure, I’m not actively keeping my bodily fluids in mason jars, but I’ll be damned if I throw away one coffee mug that I never use. I MIGHT NEED IT LATER TO MAKE A COFFEE MUG ROBOT! WHAT WILL I DO IF I THROW IT OUT!
Most video games have an unlimited inventory. I’m not sure how my angsty guy-who-looks-like-a-girl protagonist in the latest Final Fantasy game fits 45 Pheonix Downs, 644 potions ,and a warehouse full of swords, guns, whips, throwing stars, and random clothing with him at all times without a backpack. But he does, and that means there is no reason why I should get rid of any of my 65 different micro USB cables.
The only thing that saves us from ending up being crushed by a tidal wave of old magazines and cat corpses is that at some point in every video game we say, “Fuck it, I’m selling all this shit. I don’t need that dumb weapon I bought 23 hours ago.” That means at some point I’m going to throw out all of those superfluous mugs. For a few moments I’ll take pride in the face that I’ve gotten rid of things I have no use for, content that I’m not some crazy animal who needs to keep every little thing just in case.
At that exact moment, a scientist will come to my door telling me that he hid the secret to immortality in one of my cheap Ikea coffee mugs. If only I saved before I threw out those mugs…