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Nice Guys Finish Best: Thwart Annoying Gamers the Nice Way

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One of the great achievements in gaming is the advent of easy to use online multiplayer. No longer are you required to sit by yourself for hours playing an enjoyable video game while listening to music. Now you get to play less enjoyable video games while being called a “faggot cunt” after getting knifed for the 50,000th time while play a first-person shooter. Isn’t progress wonderful?

In this case, no it’s not. However, it can be once again. If you’ve spent any amount of time playing console video games in the last 10 years, you’ve probably put on a headset and had your ears assaulted by some per-pubescent boy screaming like a coked-up monkey about how much you love penis and that the color of your skin is akin to that of Wesley Snipes. We’ve all been there, it’s not pretty.

However, what can you do when the person on the other end of the microphone is literally being parented by people who think it’s totally okay to play games about people murdering each other with chainsaw guns while screaming racial epitaphs?

You can be nice.  Exceedingly nice.

nice gamers

Now, this isn’t advice about being a better person. I don’t expect any of you to actually be nice. I’m sure most of you are horrid human beings who have been so warped by the dark corners of the Internet’s most disgusting pornography, gore, and Alex Jones that humanity’s only hope is that drinking Mountain Dew and eating Doritos Locos Tacos causes sterilization. Though, that doesn’t mean you can’t act nice and turn the tide against people who shout horrible obscenities at everyone playing games online.

That’s not to say I hate horrible obscenities. In fact, I cunting love them! Nevertheless, I really would like for people to be able to play video games with each other without needing depression medication and an ear candling after going 1/3/65 in Call of Duty. I’ve spent years doing independent research on what random assholes on the Internet hate and I can assure you that they hate irrationally nice people.

So the big question is: How you can use this information to your advantage the next time your gender and sexual orientation are being questioned by someone born after 9/11? Well, the answer is simple: Just be really, really nice, ask polite and well thought out questions and everything will immediately get better. That’s really all you have to do. It’s like a magic trick without all of the Criss Angel camera edits.

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It’s a very simple process where you follow a few simple steps and your unbridled optimism and genuine love of video games renders your virtual opponent either completely impotent or on the verge of imploding into themselves in order to create a hatred black hole which will suck them down a path of drifter murder and methamphetamines forever. Either way, it’s a win/win for you and everyone else playing.

The first step is to just point out how much fun you’re having playing the game. While everyone else is bitching about how the game isn’t balanced, that the graphics sucks, or that the Jew’s are responsible for their last in-game death, you should do your best to talk up every last thing you enjoy about the game. Gamers hate being positive about anything and you talking about how amazing you think the car selection is or how immersive you find the gameplay will be sure to direct all hatred squarely onto you and your dumb, homosexual face.

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The next step is to engage the haters by asking them polite questions on how to better play the game. “Hey, guy who just called me a fuck-weasel, what gun do you think is best?” “Oh, I’m actually not a cock-sucking retard, do you think it would be best to flank the other team or just go straight at them in honorable combat?” With this tactic, not only do you gloss over the fact that they’re awful, terrible people, you also try to engage them with something they MIGHT be knowledgeable about. While this will probably be met with more bile and screams of “fuck off n00b,” your opponent should be reaching critical mass. This is where you deliver the final blow.

As your last and most devastating maneuver, it’s time to let loose the big guns. It is time to say how much fun you are having. You see, while everyone else is complaining about the game, calling each other terrible names and generally being a shit-dick, you should inform everyone that you’re having a grand ole time. Be sure to mention that playing video games is your hobby, your stress relief from a long day and no matter how many random people scream shit at you, you’re still PLAYING A FUCKING VIDEO GAME. Nothing will ever shut up assholes bitching about playing a video game better than saying how much fun you’re having while playing the same game.

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I’ve been playing video games for a long time, most of my life, in fact, and while it’s been great to be able to play with people across the world for the last decade or so, most people who do are angry, ungrateful assholes. So would it be ok if people were just actually nice to one another when playing online? I’m not saying you have to become best friends with x0xNinjaSassinx0x. But would a little human decency be so hard? I’m tired of having to turn off my headset over hearing what essentially amounts to a virtual klan meeting. Let’s start using the in-game chat to have actual discussions about THE GAME instead of screaming “tits or GTFO” to the one girl brave enough to have a headset turned on. Seriously, I’d like to be able to play games with actual humans at some point in my life and the only way that happens if we all get better and nicer.

Keep the “witty” name-calling to your friends who know you and can punch you in the face if you become too big of a douchebag. How about we try and be nice to the people we meet online? They probably have more in common with you than 90% of the other people you interact with on a daily basis. Or you can keep being the same asshole you’ve always been, but don’t worry, I have found the perfect way to deal with you.

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Jared Brazil

Jared Brazil

"Metal" Jared is a free speech advocate, father, gamer, husband, friend and all around cool guy who enjoys a good argument and liberal use of profanity. Someday when he gets angry enough he swears he's going to "Hulk Out" and then shit's going to get real. You can follow him on Twitter @metaljared
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