A few days ago, my wife posted which “Mean Girls” character she was after taking an online quiz. You may or not remember “Mean Girls” as that movie that made lots of people want to fuck Lindsey Lohan and/or the movie that proved that Halloween is the greatest holiday because girls like to dress up in “slutty” costumes. I’ve seen that movie a few times because one, my wife likes it and two, super hot girls in slutty clothing.
When I saw the post, I noticed my wife got the “villain” of the movie, Regina George, who is basically a giant cunt who makes everyone’s life a living hell because she is pretty and popular. I wondered why my wife would post that. Seriously, she’s awful and I wondered why my wife would admit to the world that she’s similar to the lead antagonist in a teen drama film. I think I finally figured it out.
The Internet is a terrible place for your self-esteem. If you post anything about yourself publicly, you open yourself up to ridicule and scorn. Posting anything on YouTube is a one way ticket to hearing “You’re a fucking ugly cocksucker” and if you use the wrong hashtag on Instagram or Twitter, you’ll want to wear a paper bag over your head for the rest of your life. Our culture is systematically designed to make you feel like an ugly, stupid, piece of shit and it’s the Internet’s job to tell you that in the absolute most horrible way possible.
You see, even though my wife got the villain of the movie, the quiz “results” still give a positive spin to the character. Anytime I’ve seen someone post quiz results online, no matter what the results, the comparison it gives you to your fictional equivalent is always positive. I just took a “Which Star Wars Character Are You Like” quiz and I did my best to get Darth Vader. Naturally, I did and here were my results:
“you are: Darth Vader! You are strong-willed and proud, willing to use power to influence those you think are inferior to you. You are loyal to your cause, and you wish that others would see things the same way you do. In the end, your quest for ultimate authority may bring you down in life. “
So there you go. Yes, I’m the bad guy who blows up an inhabited planet, kills his baby mama and murders people at the slightest sign of failure but that’s ok because that just means I’m strong willed and proud. Internet quizes give everyone the chance to feel good about themselves – even if they are a homicidal maniac.
So the next time you complain that someone posted that they got “Belle” from “Which Disney Princess Are You” quiz know that it’s all of our fault for it happening. If the Internet didn’t generate a metric shit-ton of hate and insults every three seconds, maybe people wouldn’t feel the need to find out which Archer character they are like, because even if they end up with that crazy, addicted-to-being-choked, arsonist, psycho Cheryl Tunt, it’s okay because she is rich, unique, and people want to fuck her. The Internet has begun to attack the virus that is human hatred and it is started with easy to manipulate online quizes. Maybe someday people will just be nice to each other, but in the mean time – you’ll have to excuse me, but I’ve already taken the quiz twice and I still haven’t gotten B.A. Barracus on this “Which A-Team Member Are You?” quiz.