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The Top 5 Reasons Why F**k Your Utilikilt

Utilikilts

I have no issue with the kilt. It may be a strange piece of clothing, but it is culturally significant to those of Scottish and Celtic backgrounds. I do not, nor would I ever want to ban the kilt from wear. There is a time and a place for almost anything, including the kilt. Are you at the highland games? Are you in Scotland? Is it some sort of holiday where you want to celebrate your heritage? Hell, are you out drinking in a pub? Not only do I say wear I kilt, I say bring it on. Have a god damn kilt bonanza and feel the freeing breeze that crotchless legwear brings. This article is not about those occasions.

For some reason, a subset of Internet culture has determined that not only are kilts an excellent part of your everyday fashion, but they have invented the utilikilt, an all-purpose kilt made for whatever you need to do, because when men and women started doing manual labor or things that required lots of pockets the invention of pants was a terrible left turn in the history of sheets of fabric or animal hides meant to cover your nether regions. What this subset hasn’t seemed to grasp is that because you went back to ancient garb, society has moved on.

Nothing says the height of class like a glorified man-skirt

Nothing says the height of class like a glorified man-skirt

5. You are now “that weird guy”

Congratulations on your purchase of a kilt, utili or regular. Once you decide to wear that bad boy out in public free of any sort of social setting that a kilt is 100% acceptable in, you have earned yourself the title of “that weird guy.” Don’t feel too bad, I’m sure most of us have been there. I was once one of those people that wore a Naruto headband around because I thought it was cool and I didn’t care about school anyway. Then it dawned on me that I was wearing a sign that said “socially awkward” and put a barrier between myself and anyone I wanted any sort of personal or professional relationship with.

Now I see people wearing Naruto headbands with kilts and it’s like some bizarre universe where I started a guerrilla army meant to make every public situation incredibly awkward by placing my soldiers close enough to be too close, but not far enough to be ignored. Don’t get me wrong, I get not wanting to wear pants. Fuck pants. My apartment is my own no pants zone. I wear pants in public because that’s what society has dictated as acceptable. In the 80s it was legwarmers, dudes with lady hair and clothing that cut off in strange ways. Dressing like it was still the 80s would also make you that weird guy because we, as a society, moved on. Now please, move with us.

Classy, traditional, not for everyday wear.

Classy, traditional, not for everyday wear.

4. First Impressions Really Are Everything

What do you wear to a job interview? Chances are a suit, and even if it is for some shitty job stocking shelves at target, business casual, which means slacks, a button-down collared shirt and dress shoes. Not a god damned kilt. Even when working for a ‘fun job’ you show up to an interview looking your best because when you meet your potential boss for the first time, you want it to go well. There has been study after study as to why first impressions are so important, ignoring that is spitting in the face of science. Science got us to the moon dammit, why are you denying the moon by wearing a kilt?

Do you want to be forever known as the guy who wore a kilt to his presentation on the media’s coverage of suicides? I knew that guy, he’s a nice guy, but most of the class we had together avoided him like the, well guy who wore a kilt to class for no specific reason. It’s like if someone showed up to a raging kegger in a suit, clearly they didn’t get the memo on appropriate dress for the situation. Define yourself as the charmingly funny guy or the sweet guy who always knows the right thing to say, not kilt guy.

Utilikilts

The new extent of your network, enjoy

3. So is networking, the world runs on who you know

In the professional world, you are measured on your merits. Sure, some people get jobs they are not qualified because of who they know, but far more people get jobs they are because of it. Who are you going to hire. the person with excellent qualifications or the other person with the same qualifications and a recommendation from your coworker? Now who would you hire if that coworker also said: “he does like to wear a kilt, though.” Unless you work at a kilt store or culturally related establishment, no one chooses kilt guy.

It’s not even just trying to build a professional network out in the world. My apartment becomes a pants only zone when I invite people over because even though I like my balls to be free of the confines of jeans when I’m alone, none of my friends want to see the shape of my junk when my boxers settle. People would respect a decision to wear a kilt at home to honor your ancestors, but not because you like feeling your balls dangling free. Even if you were friends with that guy, would you bring anyone over to his place? You can create your own network of kilt lovers, I’ll even give you the name kiltopia for it, but you will still be a relatively ostracized minority.

If you are doing construction work, chances are you want the protection of pants

If you are doing construction work, chances are you want the protection of pants

2. What do you want to do with your life?

Everyone aspires to doing something with their life, whether it’s to make a mark on the world or just make enough money that Applebee’s is a place you only eat at because of some obstinate friend who won’t take “Fuck Applebee’s” for an answer wants to get drunk on water down drinks and stuff their face with half off apps. Even if you have no aspirations, where would you work to support yourself? I’ve worked at shitty jobs before and even they had uniforms that didn’t include kilts. If kilts are too good for Taco Bell’s standards, shouldn’t they be for yours?

Even if you find that perfect job that accepts your kilted lifestyle and pays well, congratulations, you found your niche, try moving out of it. The last thing you want to do is pigeonhole yourself into one role. You want to make your skillset as big as possible so that, shitty or dream job, you can be a valuable asset. Sure, Kilt Guy can work at indie game studio, but if they collapse, would Activision hire him? I never want to wear the brand of unemployable, which my tattoo already makes me in some fields, but for the rest I just wear a long sleeved shirt and deal with it. You can deal with wearing pants.

No.

No.

1. Seriously, Fuck Your Utilikilt

Perhaps you are incredibly pissed off at me right now because I have spent most of this article explaining why wearing a kilt is a social faux pas in modern society and ignoring the utili part in the title, so this section is all for you. At face value, a utilikilt is no more a blight on your social standing than any other kilt. It’s what the utilikilt represents and has become that should inspire the same rage that burns within me. They took a traditional garb and perverted it. A kilt is a symbol of Scotland and its history. A utilikilt is someone trying to functionalize culture.

This came from one of two thought patterns. Either someone wanted to represent their culture, but modern society required them to carry more than their sporran could hold, already begging the question of what they were doing, and decided the thing the kilt needed was more pockets and functionality, you know, like pants. Or in an even worse mindset, someone had such a deep vendetta against pants that they adopted the ‘man skirt’ of another culture, removed the elements of significance and replaced them with pockets and plain colors because their balls just had to be free man.

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Co-Founder of Geekenstein Media. Consumer of media, writer, accountant. David spends his time taking in as much media as possible when he's not wondering why more people aren't talking about pinball.
  • http://www.facebook.com/MarciaWebb77 Marcia Webb

    There was a kid in my social media class that wore a kilt to school every day. He looks EXACTLY like the fat guy in your cover picture.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thatbastardphot Andrew Rodriguez

    check your privilege.

  • sniffy

    Internet tough guy strikes again.

    Having met the Utilikilt company owners, I guarantee you wouldn’t say “Fuck your Utilikilt” to their faces.

  • Cameron Stark

    Haha there was a guy in my advertising class last semester that wore a kilt. Like, a literal kilt, though, not a utilikilt. Pretty sure he wasn’t Scottish. Maybe he just wanted to be different? I guess that’s why anyone does anything that’s otherwise socially weird. They want to feel confident doing something out of the norm. Even if it can cause awkward situations. :P Some people thrive off that.

    • DannyJane

      You don’t have to be Scottish to like a kilt. You just have to like to be comfortable. Nice knees don’t hurt, though.

  • Daniel LaVenture

    You definitely have too much time on his hands. It has always been my philosophy that I don’t judge another person’s happiness. Different people like different things, plain and simple. It doesn’t make them evil or stupid — it’s just them expressing themselves. And I don’t have to get it. As long as they are happy, then I am all for self expression.

    Real men do wear kilts, and they rock them.

    Wearing a kilt is not a fashion faux pas in my book. It says to the world, hey, I don’t give a f*** what other people think, I choose to be ME. I choose to question society,
    question the norm. I know for me, when I embraced it, that is when things got
    better in my life. I dress for me, not the masses.

    • Chuck Scott

      You tell ‘em, Daniel……..KILT ON….

      • DannyJane

        Right there with ya, Daniel.

  • TonyKP

    Top 5 Reasons Why I Wear Kilts:

    1. Because I like them.
    2. Because I like them.
    3. Because I like them.
    4. Because I like them.
    5. Because I like them.

    So f*** you and your opinions about it.

    Seriously though – a self proclaimed geek being hypercritical about how other folks dress and presents themselves to the world? You need to turn in your geek card, man. You’ve lost your way.

    • Daniel LaVenture

      I couldn’t agree with you more. Kilt on guys!

  • Amadan

    And I care what you think, because???

  • Lonnie Cox

    All I hear is that you lack self-confidence to waer what you want and I’m sorry poeple made fun of you Naruto headbands. but when you grow up you may get a little more confience and be able to wear the things you like. most likely a Kilt. I know that my kilts have brought more poeple in to my life and the ladies love them as well. but most likely not the little girl you hang out,but real women because a real man needs a real women.

  • kiltedrennie

    Please explain how this post lives up to the spirit of this site as stated on your about page? If you were going for humor I think you missed the mark. Just my $0.02

    Specifically:
    … a place for geeks to embrace our amazing and diverse culture
    … an engaging site that could interact with the geek community

    Geekenstein is a unique monster constructed with the sole intention of making online multimedia content fun again and a place for geeks to embrace our amazing and diverse culture. Its creation was at the hands of writers and artists with a variety of backgrounds from across the Internet. The goal is to make an entertaining and engaging site that could interact with the geek community through news, original content and social events.

  • MB

    A ‘geek’ being critical about how other folks dress, and demanding compliance to what “society has dictated as acceptable”? A little out of touch there geek wise.

  • http://www.dustintriplett.com/ Dustin Triplett

    You’d figure men in short skirts would be able to have a sense of humor about themselves.

  • kiltedmarine

    Top reasons to wear a kilt
    5. It bugs small minded people.
    4. It would be a shame to hide knees like these
    3. Chicks dig guys in kilts
    2. Because I bloody well feel like it.
    1. FFRRRREEEEEDDDOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

    • UNKNOWN

      4. It would be a shame to hide knees like these

      ahaha BRILLANT!

  • Tasty Rabbit

    When I wear my kilt chicks are on me like white on rice . Clearly this guy has no need for clothes that attract ladies cause they won’t get near him but that’s ok he can jack it to that japanese tentacle stuff all day in his moms basement :)

  • Joseph Deleon

    My 5 reason why I wear a Utilikilt.
    1- Never had random bathroom sex in a bar wearing jeans, but I did wearing kilts a couple times.
    2- Also I don’t mind random woman pinching my ass, or asking me if I am wearing it the traditional way or the occasional one(normally drunk ones) grabbing my junk under my utilikilt.
    3- Don’t you realize that when you use a Utilikilt or a Kilt there is role reversal of sorts and woman become the chasers instead.
    4- When I put my Utilikilt and I go out I actually feel more manly and confident.
    5- And have you even notice that you don’t get in trouble with guys, when their girlfriends are actually looking at you and sometimes almost coming on to you in front of them.

  • cj

    Wow, you really don’t get it. A couple of thoughts for you:

    Women are attracted to confidence. (Game.) Head out to a bar in a kilt and Doc Marten’s and you don’t need a pick-up line. The women will approach you. (Set.) Plus, name another garment you can wear where women will immediately speculate about the state (or absence) of your underwear. (Match.)

    As for formal kilts (tuxedo equivalent), a good quality kilt ensemble helps your networking. For any charity event or conference banquet, a kilt demonstrates confidence and gives people a handy mnemonic. You will also appear in every newsletter or newspaper account of the event. (It’s like catnip to photographers.) As long as you have something else to bring to the table (and I do), it won’t be “that kilt guy” as much as “that kilt guy is a really good contact; get to know him!”

    The first time I wore a kilt to an event, I prepared for some ribbing by the MC, who had a tradition of ribbing attendees. To my surprise, he never said a thing. During a break, I bought him a drink and commented that I was surprised. His reply was, “Man, what could I possibly do to embarrass YOU?!”

    Simply put: I’m more comfortable physically, I’m more recognizable, and I have an obvious topic of conversation with strangers. Maybe you do get it, and you are jealous.

  • English Bloke

    I hope you get over your own negative introspection soon. Face it, you really wish you possessed the courage and had sufficient confidence in your own sexuality to wear one too. But you haven’t, you’re too worried what other people will think so instead you shout and jeer at the bigger boys from behind the safety of the ethereal fence.

    What a bell-end you are!!

    Open your mind. Don’t be so judgemental. People will like you more and you’ll sleep better at night, honestly.

  • Glenn Moore

    You need to have your geek card revoked!!!!! Just because you lack the testicular fortitude to wear a utilikilt/kilt in public don’t dump on everyone else. Being a geek means people are going to talk about you no matter what. I wear my utilikilt every chamber I get and I love getting the compliments and dare the haters to say something to my face! They don’t and here’s why- I’m a 6’2 275lb black gay man who just doesn’t give a fuck about what narrow-minded, little dick people think. I’m 32 years old, and it took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin-too long. Kilts are AWESOME, cool-in more ways than one. Wear out with pride and fuck everyone else!!!!!

  • Moski

    Holy mother of contradictions, a self proclaimed geek upholding Lemming like “social norms”. Dude, no matter how much Hollywierd grooves on geeks on occasion, anything “geek” aint the norm. Part of the beauty of being a geek is the freedom to dance to your own drum and not electric slide with the “cool kids”. Your being critical of anyone doing their own thing shows you’ve lost your way Bro. We, your peers, have determined that you are trying to be “relevant” and or “controversial” and “cool”. Please turn in your Geek Card and we’ll review in a year.

  • ST-103

    I have worn a kilt for various occasions for about twenty-five years. Of course they are usually in conjunction with some sort of Scottish event, but not always. I cannot wear one at work because of safety rules, however I will wear one out to dinner. And over the years I can count on one hand the number of times I have been given a hard time over it

  • DannyJane

    I’m with TonyKP. Reason I like kilts,

    1. They’re sexy as hell.
    2. They’re sexy as hell.
    3. They’re sexy as hell.
    4. They’re sexy as hell.
    5. They’re sexy as hell.
    6. Obviously you have never had to do physical work in 99+ degree weather or you wouldn’t be posting that stupid article.
    Kilts are many times cooler than shorts in ALL senses of the word.

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  • supajupa

    This blog is so angry and suffers from tunnel-vision. The author is so focused on the negative. How old are you, David? Have you finished high school yet?

  • qwert

    “They took a traditional garb and perverted it. A kilt is a symbol of Scotland and its history. A utilikilt is someone trying to functionalize culture.”

    Really bad argument. The kilt used to be ‘what men wore’. It was the standard, functional type of clothing worn all the time because it was good at what it was suppose to do. The original use is much closer to the utilikilts ambition than any of the modern, formalized, sterilised uses.

  • Utilikiltsrockuf***face

    I was really disappointed….. I thought this was going to be funny. Instead it was just some guy saying “I’m upset because people made fun of me for what I wear so I need to make fun of other people too, now I’m going to walk around naked in my apartment because nobody loves me”

  • mmmskirtsonguys

    You know, as a woman I’m sick of the “women look bad in X” discussions, so I’d hate to add to that sort of thing by doing it to the guys. But on the other hand, turn around is fair play, so…

    Cargo shorts are about the most unsexy, unimaginative articles of clothing in existence. Utilikilts on the other hand.. omg, yes, please!

  • N in Tx.

    He’s just afraid someone might get a peak at his tiny marbles.

  • Mark Milotay

    Mr. Rhinehart, you’re an ass!