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Top 10 Irrational Video Game Deaths

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Have you ever witnessed something so unbelievable, you yelled “Oh, come on” at your screen in a state of disbelief? As gamers, we have to suspend some of our state of disbelief – otherwise we’d never be able to enjoy these wacky video games. I mean, talking animals – what’s up with that? However, there are some things so irrational we cannot comprehend them. Here’s ten of the most irrational video game deaths that make no sense given the context of their respected games.

Frogger’s Water

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In Frogger, you play as a frog – you know, one of the amphibians that thrive in moist climates – yet the water in Frogger results in the same outcome as being hit by a tractor trailer. At least the alligators and vehicular manslaughter makes sense, but death by water is about as illogical as it comes for a frog.

Mario’s Turtles

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Turtles are cute. You know what’s more cute than a turtle? A bipedal turtle that thinks he’s a people! For a short and stout man of around 200 pounds, a turtle, bipedal or not, is nothing more than a kick away from meeting its maker. However, in the Super Mario series so much as touching a turtle can result in immediate death. To the best of my knowledge, there are no poisonous turtles.

Zelda’s Chickens

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In real life, if you poke a chicken it’s going to run away. Occasionally, one might peck you. But for the most part they are docile creatures. Hitting chickens with a sharp object kills them and sends a message to the other chickens. Didn’t you watch Chicken Run? In the Zelda series, if you beat enough chickens, a tidal wave of poultry will flock on screen, resulting in your swift demise.

Battlefield 3′s Crossbow

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Like most first-person shooters, your soak up unrealistic amounts of bullets with the greatest amount of ease in Battlefield 3. However, if you manage to get hit in the foot with a bolt from a crossbow, you’re as dead as Call of Duty’s reign over the FPS market. First-person shooters have a tendency to be released unbalanced, but the crossbows inclusion makes the game one-sided once it gets into the hands of someone who knows how to use it. Unless dipped in some form of toxic poison, a crossbow bolt is not going to kill a man if it punctures his toe.

Mario’s Timer

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Timers mean one of two things: The cookies are done or you are running out of time. In Mario games, the timer signifies the later. Starting over the level is enough of a punishment; but by running out of time Mario dies. Maybe this is the inspiration for the movie Crank , but that’s highly unlikely.

Final Fantasy 7′s Aerith

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In the magical world of Final Fantasy, there exists an item called a phoenix down. This magical item restores the life of someone who died. This is an item that can easily be bought in the Final Fantasy equivalent of Wal-Mart. They bring people back to life who have been poisoned and burned to a crisp by dragons – but they can’t restore the life of Aerith, the healer in your group. Scratch that, they CAN restore her life – just not after a cutscene meant to cause an emotional response from players takes her life. Oh, come on.

Assassin’s Creed’s Water

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In Assassin’s Creed you play as a master assassin who can survive diving several stories into a hay bale no larger than a wheelbarrow, but you can’t survive dipping your toes in water. Don’t you think the Creed Handbook would at least have a sub-chapter on swimming? It would logical considering the city has several canals that could be used stealthily. At least this hindrance was fixed in future installments of the series.

Sonic’s Lung Capacity

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Sonic is a furry woodland critter who can breathe in space. That’s fine, so can Scrooge McDuck. However, Sonic can’t breathe underwater. Sure, some of the underwater levels feature acid so one could argue that the acid eats through his magical lungs – but that’s rendered invalid when he can drown in crystal clear water as well.

Any Fighting Game’s Punch to the Feet

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We all know that fighting games are highly competitive, but they are also highly unrealistic. I’m not talking about the ability to be decapitated in one round and still be able to fight with your head in the second round, no, I’m talking about the ability to kick people in the shins until they expire. That’s just stupid. A more realistic interpretation of what happens when kicked in the shins can be found here.

Pac-Man’s Ghosts

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First things first: Ghosts aren’t real. Let’s pretend for a moment that they are and go by the “rules” that the crazy believers have given them. By their logic, a ghost can’t kill you – they can only preform limited actions like turning off the lights and watching you masturbate. Just like in real life, there’s no real danger to Pac-Man’s pill-popping exploits.

What’s your favorite (or least favorite) irrational video game death? Tell us in the comments!

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Like any good gentleman of the evening, Dustin has been around the Internet more than a few times. He's co-founder of Geekenstein Media, a regular co-host on the Nuts and Bolts podcast and co-stars in the Broke and Bored video series. He does a lot of co-things.
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  • Bert

    There’s a huge spike with a round base and double the height of your character. You touch in near the bottom, away from its spiky point, and die.

  • Peewee Herman

    You don’t die in final fantasy games, it’s called ko’d or knocked out.

    • Boblobla

      OK….you get hit by a meteor falling out of the sky and you get “knocked out”. All of the other main character deaths in FF games had some finality to them based on how they died with that being the exception. Don’t get me wrong, it is one of my favorite games, but that was completely unrealistic even for a fantasy world

  • Carlosfer2201

    Pacman’s ghosts used to be monsters until the horrible atari port where they blinked due to poor programing

  • Alex

    Frogger is a tree frog so he cant swim

  • Saros7

    This writer sounds like he’s got daddy issues

    • http://www.dustintriplett.com/ Dustin Triplett

      Oh, don’t we all.

  • Sir Cryfington

    Actually, the water death thing in Assassin’s Creed is because the Anibus couldn’t handle it, not Altaïr :3