If Nintendo has any say in it, gamers from future generations will never grow up in a world without Mario. He’s simply too iconic a figurehead to ever retire. Of course, like any other plumber sporting a mustache, Mario has a few skeletons in his closet that Nintendo would like everyone to forget about. I can’t let that happen.
Wrecking Crew was actually released a few months before the original Super Mario Bros. on the NES and features both Mario and Luigi committing vandalism on various buildings while the inhabits run for their lives and attempt to fight back. Players destroy ladders, walls and Luigi is dressed in purple. Oh, the humanity!
Interestingly enough, you may have had a taste of Wrecking Crew even if you have never directly played it. The bonus stage music was remixed for use in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix on the GameCube and once again used in Super Smash Bros. Brawl whenever a player grabs a golden hammer or plays on the Mario Bros. stage.
If you were lucky (unlucky?) enough to buy a 3DS at launch and were enrolled in the Nintendo Ambassador Program, you were given a digital copy of Wrecking Crew for free. What’s a better reward for being a Nintendo faithful than a game you never even knew existed and certainly don’t want?
Mario Teaches Typing
I shit you not, this is a real game. Not only that, but it had a sequel as well! The gameplay in both Mario Teaches Typing games are along the vein of Typing of the Dead, only less hectic. Players can choose to “play” as either Mario, Luigi, or Princess Toadstool. Gameplay is simple; you type. You type words and then the game tells you how many words per minute you were able to type. Hey, if you’re going to learn how to type, what better way to do that than with beloved Nintendo characters? I’d rather you learn how to type with Mario instead of in our comment section, that’s for sure.
The sequel decided to take it one step further and introduce a story to the mix, where Mario and Luigi stumble upon a magical typewriter. I’d give it shit for that, but there is a great Mario game that revolves around stickers, so the sky’s the limit. In Mario Teaches Typing 2, players type phases than ultimately destroy Bowser’s castle. See, children, words can hurt.
Super Mario Bros. & Friends: When I Grow Up
Super Mario Bros. & Friends: When I Grow Up is essentially a coloring book on the computer. Its existence would be less believable if Mario Paint wasn’t released a few years later, but it’s now clear where the concept originally came from. Thank god this one didn’t get popular instead.
In When I Grow Up, you color career-themed pictures of classic Mario characters. Mario, Luigi, Princess Toadstool, Toad, Bowser, and even Link are featured in wacky photos that are ready to be colored using any of the 256 available colors. Not only is it the only game to feature Mario as a soulless attorney, but it’s also only game that treats “homemaker” as an actual career choice.
Mario’s Early Years!
While doing my homework, I actually found myself quite impressed by the elaborate nature of the Mario’s Early Years! series. Turns out the series consists of three games: Preschool Fun, Fun with Letters, and Fun with Numbers.Throughout the game series Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and Princess Toadstool travel to six worlds where they engage in activities reflective of the world’s names.
Shape World is filled with shapes, Counting World is filled with numbers, Listening World is where animals make sounds, Opposite World is the opposite of fun, Color World isn’t the slightest bit racist, and Body World allows you to feel up Mario’s manly body – after all, isn’t that what every child wants?
Hotel Mario is a fine example of a game that shouldn’t have existed being unfortunate enough to be released on a console that shouldn’t have existed. This kills the Mario.
When you think of Mario, the last thing you think about is shutting doors. You know why? Because that’s stupid, that’s why. In Hotel Mario players do just that – shut doors. Can you imagine why this game is considered Mario’s biggest failure? Even if it weren’t released on the Philips CD-I it would never have succeeded as being more than a regret Nintendo would never live down.
If you think it can’t get worse, check out the below collection of high-quality cutscenes of Hotel Mario.
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