In 2010 when Ubisoft had snark incarnate Joel McHale host, the vitriol surrounding him was so rich and thick, it was downright diabetic. Long ago did Sony and Microsoft realize how little people cared about things like comedians and really just want to see video games. Ubisoft has not had this epiphany quite yet, and instead has devoted a bizarre amount of time to finding someone hip and with it to ease the transition from the screen to your brain, largely with dick jokes.
Now, in 2014, Ubisoft has pulled it back and simply rehired last years model, Aisha Tyler, to host once more. Clearly, Ms. Tyler is not cutting it, as I assume you are much like me and did not realize she had hosted before. When thinking back to the shambles of last year’s generally good E3, Ubisoft does not rank highly as it should. Instead, most of us think back to Microsoft’s Orwellian business practices it spent the last year reversing. That’s not fun bad though, that’s just sad bad. Ubisoft wasn’t exactly resting on it’s laurels either; Ms. Tyler was wearing a shirt constantly reminding you of her rock hard erection the entire time.
What exactly will happen at E3 I’m not sure, since having a perpetual cock alert on your chest is a pretty good attempt. What I do know is the bar has been raised. Between Fun Bad and Sad Bad, Fun Bad will be the preferred outcome every time. Girl Wood, no matter how erect in defiance of common decency, will not cut it. Ubisoft must take it’s rightful place as best/worst E3 presenter ever, and I’m here to guide them as their lovable jester. Will Microsoft or anyone else be quite as disconcerting as last year? Probably not. But they might. And that’s why it’s important we solve this problem now.
It’s no secret the Ubisoft press conference is entirely reliant (ENTIRELY) on the host. In terms of games, Ubisoft has a fairly strong showing. Tom Clancy’s The Division seems to prove that being struck down has only made him stronger, and another Assassin’s Creed exists in some capacity. There’s also a Far Cry, which is a series with some kick left in it, and the chances of a new Prince of Persia are pretty high. There’s also Ubisoft’s eternal trump card, Beyond Good & Evil. Games aren’t an issue, it’s getting them to your eyeballs that needs help. For this purpose, I’ve put together a list of potential hosts for Ubisoft’s E3 press conference that can take it to new heights.
You can’t beat the classics. Joel McHale remains pretty high on my list of potential hosts as he is the only man to get a genuine laugh out of me at E3. Because of this, McHale is perhaps the only figure on this list that will make Ubisoft’s presentation better through his inclusion. And not ironically better, but genuinely better than just a reel of trailers.
The biggest barrier to McHale’s hostship (?) is probably his recent inclusion as co-host of the VGX awards. Once you start handing out awards to an industry, presenting for a single company would feel disingenuous. However, McHale and Ubisoft have a history together, and considering how incredibly uncomfortable McHale looked during the VGX I’m sure he’d rather be part of something more scripted.
If there is an affront to video games greater than Aisha Tyler swinging her imaginary wang in front of children it’s probably all of PewDiePie’s output. On the comedic scale PewDiePie ranks so low he has to keep a lit torch with him at all times lest the molemen take him in the night. Even so, the numbers don’t lie, and they clearly point to PewDiePie being a lucrative asset. Much like McHale, he appeared at last year’s VGX awards, but in a much smaller role making his acquirement a bit easier.
And in all honesty, PewDiePie’s introduction would breed a shitstorm of Polar Vortex proportions. Ubisoft is undoubtedly the runt of the litter when it comes to E3, even Konami’s Metal Gear Conference is a bit easier to watch most years. PewDiePie would cause a huge influx of hate watchers just to see how badly it does, and at the end of the day, he can’t really make the games look bad. The only real issue is that PewDiePie uses rape jokes like most of us use consonants, which could be an issue.
Three years ago this would’ve been Desmond Miles as a way to get Nolan North to host, but unfortunately gaming’s golden boy has been usurped by Troy Baker, who to my knowledge does not voice a prominent Ubisoft character. The next obvious choice is Ezio, being the most charismatic of the Assassin’s Creed crew. However, I think that would cause more harm to AC: Unity than good by setting a bar they may not be able to hit.
And in walks Aiden Pierce. While also nowhere near as charismatic, Aiden Pierce is so self serious he’s borderline parody. If Blood Dragon proved anything, it’s that someone at Ubisoft has a good sense of humor about themselves, something Watch_Dogs desperately needed. By going a bit out of bounds Ubisoft might be able to boost sales of their latest big release without actually showing any of it on screen, which would come off as tacky and desperate. Coupled with Watch_Dogs hack the planet mentality and you could almost make it work in-universe.
The monster from The Host
This is a really far way to go for what amounts to a pun, but that’s exactly the kind of commitment we need in the face of something akin to Kinectgate 2013. We need to purchase the legal stage rights to a CGI monster from a movie only I know about who has no speech capabilities whatsoever, just for the joke. We need to take hostship to a level of artistry never before seen. And also, haven’t I earned it? Haven’t I?
Aisha Tyler’s #girlwood
If there’s one thing to take away from Aisha Tyler’s presentation, it’s that Aisha Tyler’s #cock is likely so magnificent it has a higher metacritic score than most Assassin’s Creed games. For this reason, one wonders why we don’t sever it from it’s host and allow it to take the reigns. Ms. Tyler seemed like she was trying to coax it out of it’s cave for the entirety of last year’s E3, so if anything I think she’d be instrumental in the recruitment process. Unlike the monster from The Host, we’re not sure of the speech capabilities of Ms. Tyler’s #girlwood, so it may need an interpreter of some sort. Luckily, it and a certain comedian are attached at the hip (Joel McHale).
If the VGX taught me anything, it’s that PR Departments exist for a reason. Watching coders flounder when McHale made an unscripted comment was hilariously awkward, Even considering McHale’s de-fanged snark at VGX. I’m not talking about CEOs either, since Reggie and Trenton prove that you need a bit of a personality to head massive corporations. I mean the grunts, the guys in the trenches who never thought they’d need to talk to someone that wasn’t an NPC.
I want an hour of that guy who acted surprised when McHale asked if the Game of Thrones game would have incest, as if he was breaking new ground and that wasn’t as common as the “winter is coming” gag. Do you remember that guy? I do. That guy looked like his world had just been shattered, as if he suddenly realized what was actually going on in GoT all at once. An hour of that would be AMAZING.
So there you go Ubisoft. Five totally valid, great choices for how to be the best at being the worst. It’s time to embrace stupidity, let loose the shackles of professionalism! Take advantage or your wonderful position at E3 and make it a little better by making it a little worse.
[Written by contributor Dylan Shirley]